My Darling Daisy
I was lying down having a rest one day and I wondered, when you are older how will you remember me? As I was drifting in and out of sleep I was thinking about this letter to you and what I would write. I could hear you running about in the garden and being told by nanny that you needed to go upstairs and have a bath. I felt all happy listening to you playing and then singing Old McDonald as you climbed the stairs, with your usual lyric change at the chorus. Instead of singing E-I E-I- O, you sing E-I-O, stretching out the sound of the E until the timing is right for the I-O
You’re a funny little creature and a doctor told me recently that you are very advanced for your age. Nanny has been saying that for a few years but I always thought she was just saying it because you are her only grand daughter and to her you will always be super smart. It amazes me at times the things you say and I’m forever getting compliments about how polite you are. Recently, at the local supermarket you chatted to the checkout lady and started the conversations with “excuse me”. I just knew the lady was not used to hearing that very often. Walking out the shop you said to me, "that lady was beautiful" and I wished you had told her because I bet it would have made her day.
I haven’t been very well this month and I seem to have had an epiphany as a result of being exposed to some reality in the past few weeks, you could say a wake up call. When you are older you will also experience little wake up calls of your own and it’s important that you act on them. It’s also been one of those months where I have reflected on what is in your best interests and I have had to make some decisions for you.
At times, I feel like a bit of a spectator in your life but what I’m actually doing is pacing myself. I don’t have a lot of energy, but I’m watching what you are doing, listening to what you are saying and I’m enjoying the show. It’s tough at times and if it wasn’t for the help of Nanny (my mum) I’m not sure how we would manage on our own. Being so young you are not fully aware of my illness and I guess you think the sleepovers at Nanny’s house are great fun. Nanny is a very relaxed grandma, she brought up your Uncle and I on her own and she is a strong woman. I have no doubt this is where my strength comes from. We are extremely lucky that Nanny is in a position where she can help us as much as she does and it’s like she is the person co-parenting, the one who makes sacrifices to help out whenever we need. Actually, all of our family is just a phone call away if we ever need help, even my Grandma who is 81 years old does the occasional sleepover. We are truly blessed to have such a close family. When you grow up and have children of your own you will realise how precious the bond between mother and child is and it doesn’t matter how tired or ill you are, you pick yourself up for the sake of your child. One day you will start to understand that when Mummy is ill, it’s a little more serious than the usual coughs and colds people get. I hope it doesn’t get you down. You have to adopt the attitude that it’s a fact of life, something that can’t be changed but can be controlled and monitored. Sometimes things happen in life that we don’t like, we wish they never existed but how we deal with these little problems makes all the difference.
I joined a new Facebook group that I stumbled on by complete chance and it is a group for Mothers with the same health condition as me. I always thought I was a minority but it seems not and it’s comforting to know there’s a whole community out there of women like me, warrior women that battle constantly and bring up children and for some it’s not just one. I was shocked to read one lady is 61 years old, yes you read that right SIXTY FREAKING ONE YEARS OLD and another saying her daughter is 20yrs old, yes TWENTY years old! It gives me hope that I could still be here when you are 20, but up until now I’ve never thought that could be a reality.
I hope you will also take time to read the blog of one of my friends in our "Letter's to my Daughter" blogging circle.