The Valentine's Poem

Now a slightly different style of creative writing for me.  I knocked up, (excuse the pun) this over the past two days.  It's a fingers up to the sweep it under the carpet brigade, the ones who call you dramatic for voicing your opinions.  Society can have us feeling gagged.  We cannot express feelings for fear of looking desperate.  It takes guts to speak out.  Do not fear the people that want to verbally gag you, for they are the fearful ones.  Your thoughts?

♡ My valentine's Poem ♡

Fuck you for being the poison that broke me

I screamed like a banshee when I learned of the new family

Words failed me

Fuck you for making me feel completely worthless

For thinking only of yourself

Isn't it sad you were so jealous

I was lied to and disrespected

The anger was not as you expected

Fuck you for turning a blind eye

Fuck you for being disconnected

And thinking your child is bloody perfect

Fuck you for repeating history; breaking up our family

For having some fun

For thinking you can just make another one

Fuck you for looking me in the eye, and saying I'm imagining it

For insinuating I'm a lunatic

Fuck your ability to move on from the trouble and strife

While I try to hold together the old life

Fuck you for not thinking about our feelings

Fuck you for the abrupt ending

And for your pretending

Fuck you for taunting me with your future

Shared hopes and dreams of the past

How long will it last

I felt pain for your happiness

I had to endure misfortune for your perfectness

I suffered the mistakes to spare you the headaches

Now I feel an imminent proposal

Salt in the wounds it's completely delusional

How many times is that now?

What why and how

But the cruelest thing of all,

Is being made to believe I,

Was the Belle of the ball.

I will be spending my Valentines day with this little lady.  She's had her eye on a bouquet of Red Roses for a few weeks, so that's what I got her, along with the cooked breakfast and the mornings papers (kids mags).  She will be a happy kiddo!  Me? Pass the Lucozade. x

©Sarah Ferry Photography

Christmas

I’m finding that more and more people are following the trend of giving money to charity in lieu of sending Christmas cards.  Even Daisy’s school has changed their views on exchanging cards.  I used to love getting cards from my friends at school. It was really exciting posting cards into the red school post box. Then waiting eagerly for your card delivery; it was fun.  I personally love designing and sending my cards, which gives me that same feeling I did as a child.  

Since Daisy arrived I started making photo cards, which seems to be another American tradition that has crossed the pond.  The first year my photo cards weren’t so great, I thought they were good at the time, but knew there was room for improvement.  The year I felt I nailed it was 2013.  It was a cold morning down at the local beach.  Dog walkers kept getting in the way and making the steps all wet with paw prints, but we got there in the end.

I’ve already posted out our family cards for this year and it’s surprisingly really easy to do!  I use a company called SNAPFISH and mostly use the lay flat design.  On the run up to the festive period you can find lots of discount codes available online, so you can get a really good deal.  When I started making photo cards I would aim to take my photos in November.  However, over the years with the unpredictable Scottish weather I soon realised I should actually take these photos in the October school holidays to avoid getting stressed over lack of time and crappy weather.  It’s hard to fit photo shoots in with Daisy’s busy schedule.  I don’t even have all weekends these days as she goes to stay with her dad.  I felt stuck this year and was worried I wouldn’t get my photos and it’s become a bit of a family tradition, so I want to keep it going.  Daisy features on the front of the card which is a good idea because it lets people keep up to date with how she's growing, not everyone sees her regularly.   

This year I wanted cute outdoor shots like previous years.  I shopped for an outfit, a fawn leopard print coat from Monsoon with woollen poncho and skinny jeans, but the weather was not on my side and I found I was constantly washing and scrubbing her skinny jeans. I decided I needed to prepare a studio set up with an alternative outfit as a back up in case I couldn’t get outside.  I had been hoping to get photos of Daisy and I together like I did last year with Sarah Ferry since I never seem to be in any photos with Daisy.  This year I had the perfect photography prop at my disposal; my 1974 Bay Window camper van called Gaston.  Luckily Sarah had some space in her diary and agreed to take the photos I had been thinking about.  With two possible lots of images for our family card I had to decide what one to go with.  Daisy decided she wanted my indoor shots and I really liked Sarah’s ones, so we compromised and printed some of both. 

Daisy also made a snowman card at school from a drawing.  You can see it at the top of the page.  The school use a company to turn the drawings into cards, dishtowels, mugs and gift tags etc.  The money raised though the sale of the items goes towards school funds.  

Lots of people love cards, just yesterday I saw an old lady at the checkout in the local supermarket.  She joked that she must have left over cards in the house for every year she's bought them, this was as she was picking up another pack.  She said she loves sending and receiving cards, hear that people, she loves it. People still love getting Christmas cards from family and friends.  For some elderly people, they may even look forward to it. 

Here's some of our past and present photo cards to look at.

© Sarah Ferry Photography

Burlesque - The Graded Unit

Let me explain the Graded Unit. 

First rule about Graded Unit, you don’t talk about graded unit.

It takes over your life. 

It takes over all other classes.

It’s a personal project of your own choosing, that needs to fit into one of six categories, dictated from the college.  Each student gets four, twenty-minute mentoring sessions to discuss their ideas and progress on their project.  Each meeting the student is awarded points on their progress.  It’s a bit like a game show because you need to get the maximum amounts of points as once the meeting is over any points you didn’t achieve are lost.  The points are converted into a percentage and that dictates whether you leave with an A, B or C final grade for the year.  You must juggle this project and its deadlines while still handing in the work for all other classes.

The meetings are held at three-week intervals and when I said you get twenty minutes, I mean there’s a timer ticking away just to add to the anxiety of it.  The whole year had to attend a seminar to get an explanation of the points system.  You were actively encouraged to pay close attention to the marking schedule when planning and producing the work.  One lecturer said, “we know already who won’t pull their socks up”, meaning they knew which students wouldn’t be able to step it up a gear for the graded unit, which is totally self directed.

Students had staggered start dates and I was one of the last group so I had 5 weeks to think of a project and my mind went blank.  I knew I wasn’t going to complete second year and I just wanted to make my life as easy as possible.  I was into week four and still had nothing lined up.

Then I went to a Burlesque show with some friends.  I never usually take my camera to events, as it’s so heavy.  It’s also usually really dark and my off camera flash skills wasn’t the greatest.  I arrived a bit early, the dancers came on stage for a rehearsal and I took my camera out just to confirm to myself that yes it was too dark and I wasn’t going to get anything worth keeping.  Just as I put the camera up to my face someone spotted me and starting asking questions.  Did I have permission to take photographs?  I explained I was a student and without a flash I’d get nothing of any interest, which I sort of knew before it left my bag.  Turned out the guy that was chatting to me was the tour manager!  Oops.  He said he tried to get someone to volunteer to take photographs but had no luck.  He said the tour was back next month.  I was trying to dig myself out of my awkward hole and said if he wanted I could put a notice up in the college to see if anyone was interested.  Then he said, "you could come back'.  And, there you have it, that’s how my project was born.

I started doing my research and printed out images from the internet that I wanted to try out.  I was crapping myself about the actual event because I’ve never really learnt anything about using my off camera flash, so I booked a course.  I really thought I’d done so much work and that I would get a fair amount of points.  I was back on IV antibiotics again and my head was a bit up my arse with remembering things and I missed my first mentoring session.  I was not popular. 

I explained the situation and how my medication exhausts me and managed to re arrange my meeting, but this is something they don’t usually do and I felt my card had been marked.  I got four points for my first meeting and was totally deflated.  I needed 51 points just to pass with a C.  I was okay with that, I just wanted a pass but was beginning to think I wouldn’t get there. 

My mentor said I would need to photograph some other shows and not just the Burlesque.  I couldn’t understand at that point why I needed to do more.  He suggested 3-4 other shows and here’s me thinking I was going to make this as easy as possible.  By the next meeting he said do 3-4 other shows.  I was a bit annoyed and said 3-4 you mentioned the first time around or 3-4 plus the 3-4 you said at the first meeting.  He was a bit pissed off with me, but I think there wasn’t really a clear understanding of my situation.  I didn’t get the whole SQA rules (Scottish Qualifications Authority) on how things were marked.

I stressed over the 3 weeks after my second meeting and really thought if I go back for my third meeting and he’s not pleased I may as well give up.  I had barely done anything for my three other classes.  I think I had the attitude that if this graded unit was going nowhere then doing the work for the other classes was pointless.

By my third meeting I’d done so much work.  I’d listened to all the suggestions and I ticked all the boxes.  I pulled my socks up and thought “I’ve got this”!  I also managed to put my project across in a way that fitted the initial brief and he understood how it all fitted together.  He was very impressed and I got a hefty slice of points, which made up for my last two meetings.  By my third meeting I had my C pass in the net.  All I had to do now was complete all other classes, edit all my photos and return to my final meeting with an example of how I was going to present my work.  More points were up for grabs and I really went from strength to strength.  My final meeting was great and he seemed really impressed with how I managed to put everything together.

I eventually walked away with an A for the final year, which I was really proud of.  I know a lot of people probably got an A too, but I felt it was even more important for me as I really got next to no points in those first two meetings.  I really did pull my bloody socks up.  

 

I hope you all like the photos.  I was utterly exhausted getting these and it was a real struggle I'll tell you, because I basically had to bird watch with my camera and take the shot when the dancers stood in a certain place on the stage when the lighting guy had lit them up well.  This all had to be done at the same time, while they were moving.  I was constantly changing settings on my camera.  Thanks to my lovely tall friend Lisa for making sure I didn't fall off my stool.  I want to thank Burgerking for the best whopper with cheese I ever tasted at 11pm and finally a big congratulations to Betty D'Light who I didn't know at the time was expecting her very own Royal Baby.

College - The HNC

College is finished, whoop whoop.  I’m so glad to be able to say that, as at times I thought I’d never get through it.  I don’t remember crying about the course but there have been tears, usually as a result of the cheeky buggers that manage the equipment store, accept the lovely Sean, he was brilliant.  I’m sure they deal with a lot of crap but c’mon.  I certainly recall having the weight of the world on my shoulders; maybe I was just overly sensitive.  I knew on applying for this course that I would be forced to do things I haven’t done before and how it would probably be a little awkward and uncomfortable.  However at the same time I think I thought it would be easy, how wrong was I!  My course was made up of the following subjects this term, Photography Theory, Darkroom and Creative Techniques, Portraiture, Image Editing, Creative Industries, Still Life, Applied Techniques, Social Photography, Corporate Photography, Stock Photography and the dreaded Graded Unit!

I started my course in September and realised by Christmas that I was struggling physically.  I made the decision over the Christmas holidays that I was not going to apply for my second year.  By the time I came to my annual review in February at hospital, my consultant said that my lung function had taken a nose dive since August and that confirmed that me being in close proximity to lots of people on a daily basis doesn’t help me, especially when we were in the basement of college with circulated air ventilation and no windows.  I can feel my CF followers instantly cringe. 

I struggled through that first 18 weeks of the course.  I was hospitalised with a chest infection and missed three weeks of class time.  But, I persevered and was in college full-time the last three weeks just to get through my work.  Luckily my deadlines were extended and I did manage to finish.  On my return after the Christmas break I was faced with a dilemma of, should I finish my course here after getting through that eighteen weeks or should I do it all again to leave with my HNC in Photography and not let all that hard work go to waste.  I’m not someone who gives up easily, but I do get easily over whelmed with mountains of work to get through.  I loved my class and I wanted to continue even though it was making me ill.  I knew that if I wasn’t going to go into second year I could effectively drop a class or two because the way the HNC works is that you need to obtain 12 credits for the group award and 15 to get into second year, which is all classes in first year.  Anyway, I took the decision to strip down my course and ditched my darkroom class, which you all know I can do anyway and stock photography, which I thought would be like watching paint dry to a portrait photographer. 

It’s not been all bad though, I’ve met a really great bunch of friends.  I’m sure we’re all going to keep in touch and I will go in and meet them for lunch now and again, even though the food in college is terrible and over priced.  The things we do for love……ah I feel a song coming on!  There’s so much more I could say.  I’ve laughed so much this past ten months being with these guys every week.  I’ll leave you all with a wee selection of some of the work I’ve done this term.  I will be back soon to tell you all about my Graded Unit and what sealed the deal to my overall grade A for the year.

Twit twoo it's Miss Campbell

The lovely Miss Campbell came to my rescue when I put out a casting call for models to fulfil my college portraiture brief.  This time I needed to do a studio shoot and cross process an image.  So, the triptych set is examples of cross processing, with varying degrees using Photoshop.  In the old days of film photography, cross processing was a deliberate effect and you did it by processing the film in a chemical solution intended for a different type of film. The effect was most likely discovered by mistake in the days of mixing up C-22 and E-4 developer.

We started our morning fairly early sending children off to Aunties and Grannies and then the travelling was next!  We finally got ourselves together around lunchtime and headed into town for a spot of lunch.  I had a bagette with Chicken and Avacado and my friend showed me up by having a tiny little chocolate cake.  She soon confessed that she had stuffed her face in McDonalds with the kids earlier in the morning.  I was instantly jealous and thought,  I just wish I could get up early enough to make a McDonalds breakfast!

We chatted for about an hour, putting the world to rights and moaning about men, the usual girly chit chat.  I was quite excited about doing the photographs because I knew that we could work out between us what needed done.  Miss Campbell has previous experience of Photography having sucessfully ran a business herself, so it was a fun day together where we could discuss what we could do.  

Like any other client excited to get their hands on the pictures, she was saying to me at the station that I had to send them to her as soon as I got home.  They all do it, want the pictures NOW.  I understand, I've been there.  I've said before that many photographers would rather stick needles in their eyes than put out un-edited photographs.  But when it's someone who knows photography etiquette there isnt a problem.  

I sent her the pick of un-edited files later that night so she could edit them herself.  Photography like many other arts is down to personal taste as well as technique.  Everyone has their own way of editing and producing different effects.  Some of the images you see have been edited by Miss C and some have been edited by me.

The little things

CF is really kicking my ass just now.  I've been on this earth for a long time and I wonder when I'm ever going to learn that I can't graze.  I mean grazing as in picking/snacking at food.  Just normal things for a lot of people and something you might take for granted.  I can't do that, well I shouldn't.  I've had a upset tummy recently as well as all the other things. People who suffer from Crohns disease, IBS, Coeliac disease and the countless other digestive disorders that's out there.  I feel your pain.

I've had a sore stomach, bloating, cramping, wind, constipation, diarrhoea, hot and cold sweats and I've been feeling lethargic.  As you know the human body is a finely tuned machine and the symptoms I've described is evidence that the digestive system is experiencing trauma. Something people with Cystic Fibrosis suffer with because another element of the disease is that the digestive system doesn't function properly.  Enzymes need to be taken orally at the same time as food to digest the food.  It's pretty much a manual system.  Let your concentration slip and you will pay.  Like everything else there are varying degrees of severity.  Some people will need to take 1-2 tablets with meals, some like me might take 11-12 with meals.  As the pancreas loses function you can also end up being diabetic, but that's another story.

Imagine going to a party.  Oh you're gonna be one party animal if you have a condition that relies on you being sober and alert!  Let's think of a scenario. Would you be able to relax knowing you had to make a mental calculation of each mouthful of food you had from a buffet or bowl of crisps that were on your table?   Then, make a quick calculation, type of food+volume of food=number of tablets. Did I mention you can't just swallow them all at the start or at the end? Gets trickier does it.  What I've learnt over the years is that I have to avoid the bowl of crisps on the table and wait until the buffet is served.  I then go get a full plate of food. Full plate of buffet food x what type of food = amount of tablets.  Eat the food and and take the tablets during the meal; job done.  You want some more food.  Well you just repeat the steps.

Yes it's not very social but that's life as I know it.  At times though I fall off the waggon.  Usually when I get sick, I am even more forgetful.  I forget I can't graze like everyone else.  The trade off is getting an upset tummy and farting lots, sometimes for days. What I have to do now in this position is fast, not eat, maybe for 2 days.  Clear my system out and start again.  Hoping I will learn from my mistakes and not do it again anytime soon.

There's lots of things in life we take for granted.  Sometimes it's a way of life.  Sometimes it's people.  Appreciate the little things.  

Another blog brought to you from the bath tub.

My Love My Life 8/12 - Reflection

The topic Reflection when photography related, usually suggests pictures of subjects seen on reflective surfaces like windows or water.  I decided to be a bit out of the box this month and make mine reflection on a life event.  Daisy's first day at school.

It’s August 2014 and it feels like the last five years has been put on fast forward.  It's hard to get my head around the fact all this time has flown by.  We get caught up in the daily grind of life and it doesn’t leave much time for fun.  Now, we are here, at the school gate.  I seriously thought I would cry on her first day at school, but surprisingly I held it together.  She looked so grown up.  I think my biggest wobble was actually when I got the leaflet before summer telling me who her teacher was going to be.  It hit home then. I felt a little emotional buying her school uniform.  I know normal school shoes are usually black but I so love the traditional red patent shoes, she had to have a pair!  I kitted her out in a Cath Kidston bag, pencil case and stationary.  After all, this is a monumental time in our life together and the perfect time to indulge.

Three little friends from our street started school together and I couldn't be happier.  Although they are not all in the same class, they will see each other at playtime and lunchtime.  Daisy will be going to what we are calling the "school cafe", which to everyone else, is school dinners.  I really enjoyed that part of school since I was a traditional eater.  I wasn’t really interested in sandwiches, fruit and yoghurt, which is usually the kind of thing you would expect in a packed lunch.  Ok, I had the odd plea to my mum to have that but in most cases it was just curiosity on how the packed lunch kids spent their lunch hour.  We always want what we don’t have but the reality of getting it usually isn’t that great long-term.  For me, eating a hot school dinner with my fellow classmates was a social occasion and I'm hoping Daisy will appreciate that time to dine and chat with friends.  

School has been a positive experience so far.  We’ve had PE and homework.  We’ve managed to remember to put a snack in Daisy’s bag for break time.  We’ve even been to the school nurse when she fell and cut herself on her third day.  We are on our last week of half days and next week she is going to be in school all day.  I worry like everyone else with children starting school.  I worry if she will manage to fasten her shoes on her own as I still give help at home when she says “I can’t, it’s to difficult”, but she can do it.  I’m surprised she is able to carry her school bag, as it just looks so big compared to her body.  She doesn’t really chat much about what goes on in school during the day but make no mistake she doesn’t miss a trick.

I’ve met two really great girls since moving, who as well as being my neighbours they are also friends.  There’s never been any nervousness about the whole school event because our girls have played together in our almost cul-de-sac street for sometime.  I'm glad Daisy and I moved house and met new friends.  After all, nothing is scary when you share the experience with some great friends.

Please pop over to Sarah's blog on Reflection of her photography journey.  I love Sarah's photos, they always have a mystical feeling as well as creating the impression you were there.

Crime of Passion

This time ten years ago I was on my way to the hairdresser.  I got married that day to someone I loved deeply.  I thought marriage was forever, but there's always some smarmy buck teeth tramp out there willing to screw it all up.  We all know one!

Mum dropped off a copy of Hello magazine to me the other day.  She thought I would find the interview they did with the former glamour model Katie Price interesting.  I know there are a lot of people who don’t like her very much namely because of her outrageous outfits and bold as brass attitude.  But me, I think she speaks a lot of sense and this interview was no different. 

She says it how it is.  What’s wrong with that?  That type of personality can be seen as a bit of a threat.  But it is what it is, a personality trait.  It doesn’t mean the person is nasty, malicious or awkward.  That is just who they are.  I always think these types of people make the best of friends because lets face it, they’re unlikely to be false and you’ll know exactly where you stand.  I bet she’s really lovely.  I empathise with her.  Just because you have money and success does not make you immune to bad things happening.  Only this week the much-loved actor Robin Williams died suddenly, in an alleged suicide.  There’s a prime example of someone who appeared to have it all.  Life is cruel.  As human beings we suffer the same heartache.  Emotions are indiscriminate.

Katie talked about her husband’s recently uncovered infidelity with two of her close friends.  Katie was very open and honest about her feelings regarding the situation.  Describing how “her heart hasn’t been broken, it’s been shattered”.

There are lots of things you would want to know.  What exactly happened. You need to know the truth.  Then and only then can you make a decision about what to do next.  You need all the facts. It seems she believes his account of events and with Katie being a woman of means she’s in a position to deal with things a bit differently to us mere mortals.  She said in the interview that she organised for her husband to have a polygraph test, just like they do on The Jeremy Kyle Show.  She wanted to know everything. How many times it happened, where it happened, when did it start.  All questions any wronged person would have racing through their head, but could you actually believe what you were being told by the guilty party if you wasn’t in a position to get one of these tests.  I suspect not and it would constantly be on your mind.  Visualising the pair of them ripping each other’s clothes off and having sex.  Was it in your bed, in your car, who else knew about it, who else was keeping the secret?  You would be spitting nails.

She also commented that she couldn’t understand why he would even want to have sex with two older women who were “rank”.    I suspect there are many theories on why someone would do that.  Likely story is, they were easy.  We all know blokes are trouser dumb but it's these ladies of ill repute that really know the lines they're crossing. Imagine being that desperate for attention you had to make do with the crumbs of someone else’s relationship.   Why would you not want to be the star of the show, the leading lady. Why would you be happy in the knowledge you were someone’s dirty secret.  You'd have to be a bit thick.  Why would you prey on someone that is married or married with children or like Katie married with a child on the way.  How could they be so cruel to the innocent victims.  Helping create a situation whereby children don't see the guilty parent as much as they used to.  Meanwhile the other spouse has had their life turned completely upside down and grieving for the life they thought was already planned out.  To be snatched away by a foolish act of greed.  Who does that?  Someone with No Moral Compass, that’s who.

Could you really ever trust someone who’s been unfaithful, not once, but twice and however many other times you don’t know about.  Without everyone coming clean, that situation will never right itself; it will be like a wound that never heals.  Who knows how long it will last between them.   I believe that once the relationship has been poisoned like this, I expect it won’t be a happy ending.  She maintains they are still husband and wife and this is a marital issue.  Something they must sort out together.  What we do know is that Katie is very switched on, so I hope she knows what she’s going to do next.  

If you ever find yourself on the verge of getting into a similar situation, I urge you to stop and think.  This type of behaviour carries a heavy psychological burden for everyone affected, accept the third party.  I'm a firm believer they feel nothing, because in some weird twisted way they don't think they've done anything wrong.  They feel no shame.

So I guess this "tin" of Alphabet Spaghetti is on me.  Your dinner is on the table!  Happy Anniversary.